Fuck it. I need a hug.

Seriously, this blog is gonna have some actual sex in it, eventually. I promise. The Panda and I did have some great sex the other night (quickie for us, it was only like an hour or two), but other than that I've been pretty boring lately.

I don't wanna talk. I don't wanna blog. I don't wanna think. I just want a hug. A big, close, lay my head on your shoulder and breathe you in hug. A *stop thinking about everything and just exist* hug.

I know, logically, that everyone is busy and I will be too, beginning like, now. I've been in this holding pattern that is just now falling together into a "plan" of sorts (yeah... I swear there's a plan in there somewhere!) and I'm getting the ball rolling.

I'm really trying to keep my wits about me and just hide plow on ahead, keeping my eyes on my current issue or goal only, so as not to get too overwhelmed or freaked out. That's not really working so well, but for what it's worth, I'm trying. I feel ignored. I feel alone. And yeah, I'm totally overwhelmed and freaked out. Yup. I admit it.

I know that he doesn't feel well, and that he was probably busy with work stuff today. Just like I know on a deeper level that he's holding back. He wants us to "meet" first. To confirm the attractions and feelings that we both feel so strongly "online". Which, by the way is TERRIFYING. What if he doesn't want me? What if his feelings change? What if we just don't click? Talk about making a chick even more insecure. I'm a freaking basket case. I'm so scared that he doesn't feel the way I do. That this is some dream or crazy fantasy that I'm just going to wake up from one day. I know he can't make any promises, but god dammit I wish he would give me more. Especially with everyone else in my life totally flaking right now, I just feel like all I'm doing is reaching out for people... and nobody is reaching back.

Panda. I want you. I need you. Please come hold me.

You say I'm a dreamer
We're two of a kind
Both of us searching for some perfect world
We know we'll never find

So perhaps I should leave here
Yeah, go far away
But you know that there's nowhere that i'd rather be
Than with you here today

Hold me now
Warm my heart
Stay with me
Let loving start
Let loving start 

-Thompson Twins "Hold Me Now"