Closing this Chapter

I met Mr All American on a very important day. It was actually the one year anniversary of the suicide of my "true love". The first time I saw him, I just... I was struck by him. He wasn't super hot, or super funny, or... anything I could really put my finger on. But there was just something about him. I was drawn to him. It was like I looked up and saw this spiderweb filigree between us, just existing. It wasn't that white hot heat of desire, or that feeling like all the oxygen just got sucked out of the room. It was just *there*. And all of a sudden my mind, which all day (and pretty much the whole year before) had been focused on my deceased lover, made room. It was like Mr All American walked into the room of my mind and kicked him off the bunk, laying *his* stuff on the bed where the ex had just been laying. And he just sat there and looked at me. And I just sat there and looked at him.

We knew each other casually, seeing each other at mutual friends' houses, for a few months. We spoke in passing. Like I said, it wasn't some overwhelming thing. It was just *there*.  I will say that he was that "cool guy" in the room. He was the guy the others looked to for (tacit) approval. He was the guy who ultimately decided if they were all going out, or if they were just talking shit. He wasn't the loud guy, He wasn't the "center of attention" by any means. But when there was a decision being made, he was the one they would follow. They waited for his opinion before stating their own. I noticed that right away and liked that he didn't use that to manipulate people or lord it over the other (more passive) guys in the group.

Then came one night in particular. He seemed to be everywhere I was. We talked. We seemed to just chatter on in our own world all night long. I swear we could have talked for days. And he asked me to go out with them that night. Unfortunately I had plans early the next morning so I couldn't, but I did agree to see him later in the week. Not just he and I but in a much smaller group than normal.

That night was similar. We talked and joked. We hung out. We had fun. We were comfortable and lighthearted. It wasn't overwhelmingly passionate, or filled with desire, but that was ok. It was actually kind of refreshing, really. I went home with him that night. Our lovemaking was... different than anything I had ever experienced.

That's how he originally got his nickname. Because all my lovers of the past had been... twisted by life. And those twists come out when you fuck. They were all different in different ways, but you could almost smell the *damage* on them, coming off along with the natural smells of sex. This guy, he was lily-fucking-clean. It was like fucking the psychic energy equivalent of a bar of Dial soap. Don't get me wrong, he was fun in bed, from beginning to end, and he wasn't boring per se... but... he was.... normal. The honest to god first normal person I had ever slept with.

Long story long we barely spent a night apart after that. His place. My place. And soon (way too soon, of course), he moved in with me. We settled into a "normal" routine of a "normal" life, and I really thought I had found the guy. Finally, the person I could really see myself marrying. (I've been proposed to 4 times. Never married.)

I mean he actually honest to god wasn't crazy. I kept waiting for it... cheating.. drinking... drugs... he had to have some big secret he was hiding from me. But no. There really wasn't one. And I grew to trust him. And love him. It was cathartic to love someone who was normal. To experience a relationship that was "normal" after all the damaged, hurt, and fucked up people I had been with before him. I'm not blaming them, I mean I picked em, after all. I'm just trying to give you an honest picture here.

We had our issues. It wasn't perfect. He had never had a *real* relationship before. You know, the kind where you truly love each other. Where you truly want to know each other deeply. Where you get close enough to see the really tender bits inside each other. I call it the "training wheels" relationship. But he was smart, and committed, and I knew he truly loved me, so I figured we could and would work those issues out as we went along. It was a bumpy ride at times but I never doubted that we would make it through together.  

And then it happened. I got pregnant. Which in itsself was a miracle since I had been told that it was very unlikely I could ever concieve. We were elated. Extatic. Sure we would have loved to be married first. Sure we would have loved to be in a better place financially first. But we were sooooo happy.

Well, he was. I felt there was something wrong. I did from the moment I saw the results on the home pregnancy test. I didn't want to tell anyone. I went to the doctor. I ate well. They all told me it was just "jitters". I justified it in my head that teenage girls would throw themselves down stairs and still have healthy babies. That babies are resilient, and once those little guys attach inside you, they are pretty much gonna handle themselves.

And then at 5 months I started bleeding. And had a miscarrage. I'll spare you the gory details. But it was bad.

I went crazy after that. Depression. Hormones. Health issues. A cancer diagnosis. And all this in the time that he was working out of town more than he was here. It was too much. I acted erraticly. I started smoking again. I decided to paint my entire house. I didn't leave the house for days, a week, at a time. I barely slept or ate. It's amazing that I kept the dog alive.

And one night I felt the need to reach out. I reached out to someone I had met on Craigslist years before. He wasn't on there for sex and we had never had sex. He was an older guy, in an open marriage, who I had had some really good conversations with in the past. He came over. We sat on the porch and talked and smoked and talked. I told him what had happened. He was very insightful, and really helped me. It wasn't sexual at all. We sat and talked for an hour or two then he left.

But with Mr AA out of town... and this other dude coming over to the house... this dude I had just *happened* to meet on CL.... well you and I both know how that would have looked. So I didn't tell him about it. And of course he (for whatever reason) was looking at the phone bill and noticed this number he didn't recognize. So he looked it up. AND of course this guy's Craigslist ad pops right up in the google search. Duh.

So Mr AA waits. And stews. For weeks. Finally he's home, and decides to bring it up. He asks about this number. That I called and texted on this date. I was cought. I was cornered. So............ I lied. I told him the guy HAD NOT come over. That we just talked a little bit. And I lied about how we had met. I focused on the true parts... that he was almost like a father-ish figure. That I was going insane and needed someone, someone who had life experience. Someone who had hurt like I was hurting and wouldn't just offer shitty meaningless platitudes. I cried real tears and looked him right in the eyes and I lied to him.

That was pretty much the beginning of the end. It wasn't until way later that he told me he had googled the number. And saw the ad. And knew at the time that I was lying.

And then he dicked me over pretty bad. Twice. I could go on and on about that, but suffice it to say that it was a breakup and it was ugly, as most breakups are. So I'm moving on with my life. Literally. I will be moving to a new state soon, and much of my life is and will continue to be in a state of flux. I'm trying to focus on the positives and on the changes that I want to make both internally and externally.

I guess I just wanted the story to be told. To be laid to rest with the respect and honesty it deserves. I will be moving on, as I hope he does, with lessons learned and a new, deeper perspective of my own faults, strengths, and a renewed focus on where and who I want to be.

Goodbye Mr AA. I'm not mad. And no, you aren't the bad guy. We both fucked it up.

"There is only one sin, only one. And that is theft. Every other sin is a variation of theft....When you kill a man, you steal a life. When you tell a lie, you steal someone's right to the truth. When you cheat, you steal the right to fairness."

- Khaled Hosseini "The Kite Runner" (quote truncated)