Know When to Hold Em......

I was originally going to write about The Puppy tonight. Don't worry, I'll tell you about him eventually. (All names in this blog will be converted to nicknames to protect the shamelessly guilty, btw.) About my manipulation of the Puppy and the morality of it, and how far I should take it. But that's not what's on my mind. As I lay here in my silent house in this lonely bed with only Miss Dog to snuggle with my mind is firmly centered on the Panda. Don't worry, you'll hear a lot about him. For now suffice it to say that he is.... a flame. An old flame. A new flame. Honestly, a terrifying and yet totally unignorable flame.

In my normal relationships I hold most of the cards. I've always done this. I control the pace of the courtship. I control the tone of the interactions. And when I'm ready, I force my opponent (I mean PARTNER... yeah, totally!) to show my their cards. To bare their souls to me. I ALWAYS make them say it first. I always make them take those first steps alone, and I intentionally make them wonder if I will follow, or if I will abandon them in that bare, wide open no man's land of feelings. I can justify these actions all day long but it doesn't make them any less shitty or manipulative. It just is what it is. And in the end, I am always the one to pack up my toys and leave. I am the leaver. I am NEVER the left. It's a source of pride for me (as if I need any more of THAT).

The Panda asks too many questions. And he calls my bullshit. And he sees me... through the smokescreen of cutesy bullshit or indirectness or bad behavior or whatever I happen to be throwing his way. I feel like he's looking at me. And that freaks me out. And that attracts me in a way I have never felt in my life. He makes me want to lay my cards on the table. He makes me want to run to him and babble all the feelings I have for him at his slightest hint of interest. I know that's not healthy. I know that's not what's needed. I know I need to find a healthy medium here.

Whatever this is going to be, it has already been the most different thing in my life. I expect that will continue. I just hope that when we finally can look in each others' eyes, and touch, and feel.... that I will see as much longing, as much tenderness... as much love in his eyes as I know he will see in mine. I'm laying my ace on the table. I'm all in.

And if I told you that I loved you
You'd maybe think there's something wrong
I'm not a man of too many faces
The mask I wear is one
Those who speak know nothing
And find out to their cost
Like those who curse their luck in too many places
And those who fear are lost

I know that the spades are the swords of a soldier
I know that the clubs are weapons of war
I know that diamonds mean money for this art
But that's not the shape of my heart
That's not the shape of my heart

 

- Sting "Shape of My Heart"