I feel adrift. I'm here in this new/old place and I don't fit yet. I'm trying to reestablish some old connections and friendships, but it's been over a decade since I've lived here, people have changed a lot. Their lives and priorities have changed a lot.
I have things I need to be doing. Things under my control. And I am dutifully doing those things. I'm plowing through those "things I have control over" as much as possible. And doing a lot of "identifying those things I do not have control over". There are a LOT of those. I'm trying to be ok with that. Really, I am. But I've never been a very "let it go and let it flow" type, and I certainly am not one now. I want to attach some jumper cables to this process. Right to it's nipples. And blast it into drive. Lets get this show on the road, lets start crossing things off the to do list, I want to SEE some progress somewhere. I want to force it, but I can't.
And that is showing up with the Panda. That element of me forcing and it not working. There are a million "reasons" (his word) why things are the way they are between us right now. They are all practical and reasonable and quantitative. But the bottom line for me is that I feel like things have changed. Things have cooled. And his "reasons" feel to me like so many "excuses". So.........
I'm trying to lay back and trust that it's gonna rain. I'm relying on the universe for sustenance. Physical sustenance, but so much more important right now, emotional sustenance too. The walls of the world are closing around me. The more empty and limitless this landscape is the more I'm feeling squeezed and crowded. The voices in my head are expanding in this silence.
This probably isn't making much sense. I swear I'm not crazy. (ok not REALLY crazy)
"Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk with you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while I was sleeping
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence"
- Simon and Garfunkel "Sound of Silence"
